Chapter 323: Cleanup (2)
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“……”
“……”
“……The trees are pretty.”
Although I had set out on this Mount Wudang walk with solemn determination in my own way, there being nothing to talk about could not be helped.
Even while walking, with Peng Chae-hyang between us, we were looking off in different directions. Standing where the awkward currents collided, Peng Chae-hyang was putting up a struggle to ease the mood as much as possible.
Feeling pity for that, I opened my mouth.
“Chae-hyang.”
“Yes?”
“You don’t have to try so hard.”
When I spoke, Peng Chae-hyang closed her mouth. At that, Father chimed in as well.
“Indeed. The young lady has put in plenty of effort for our sake. From here on, it is our job to handle.”
“Then shall we switch spots?”
Peng Chae-hyang looked at me and asked. I averted my gaze.
“No, that is still a bit……”
“……”
Even so, having Peng Chae-hyang in the middle put my mind more at ease.
“Father.”
“Yes.”
“I thought I had severed ties with Father for a long time.”
I said. As my story began, Peng Chae-hyang also suppressed her presence and breathing as much as possible. Father, who had been looking the other way, also looked at me.
“So to be frank, I am flustered about what topic to bring up right now. Father might not understand, but severing ties was a consideration in my own way. Because I thought that spending more time with Father would surely inflict a great wound upon you.”
“……”
“In truth, had we been strangers, there would have been no reason to show such consideration when severing ties. Likewise, there would have been no reason for the motive of severing ties to be consideration. Back then, I hated Father more than anyone else in the world, yet I severed ties from the aspect of being considerate. The reason is one and the same. Because we are family.”
I knew too. That my words would sound like a cowardly excuse. Thinking about it now, it was naturally an irrational action. But because my thoughts at that time truly had been so, I was speaking that way.
“If we had not been family, we might have resolved our misunderstanding long ago and formed an amicable relationship. But I believe it turned out this way because of the special relationship known as family.”
I saw Father’s mouth twitch. He seemed to want to say something. So to avoid giving him that opening, I hastily continued. Because if I ended it here, my true intentions would not be conveyed.
“This is my defense. At this point in time, I know my faults. Severing my relationship with Father based on clumsy presumptions, considering that as consideration, and not even thinking of undoing it—all of those must be my faults.”
“Son.”
“Wait a moment. I am not done speaking…… So, that is to say……”
I dragged out my words. Thinking it was something I would never say before Father, it kept swirling at the back of my throat.
“I am sorry.”
“……Mmm.”
Father let out a low groan. A brief silence flowed once again. Our steps never ceased. The gentle mountain landscape of the Wudang Sect and the crisp air released by the lush trees continued to envelop us.
Father did not speak. He merely watched a wild bird perched on a tree branch before it took flight.
I watched Father’s reaction. To be honest, I thought Father might not forgive me in this situation and could continue maintaining the estrangement. Because this was clearly a mistake that began from my misjudgment. In a way, it was a fault from my past life, but since the current me had also avoided correcting it, it was true that we shared the fault.
“Hui-yeong.”
Once the wild bird vanished from sight, Father finally spoke. I grew tense.
“Yes.”
“You, you know. You are giving me a great wound.”
I clenched my fists. Was it ending like this after all? I could feel that not only me, but Peng Chae-hyang beside me had also tensed up.
When I remained silent, Father prompted me with words.
“Aren’t you going to ask how you gave me a wound?”
“Isn’t it everything I just spoke about until now?”
“No. That part is understandable. The wound I received was that you apologized to me.”
“Pardon?”
Unable to understand what he meant, I looked at Father. Father was still staring forlornly at the spot where the wild bird had vanished.
“That is not your mistake. It is my mistake. That is why an apology said after growing old is the words a parent should least hear.”
“Why?”
“Because the responsibility for all the faults you committed lies with me. Also because I am the parent.”
Father continued.
“The difference between the wealthy and us, as you know, is that we have nothing to pass down. Having nothing to pass down is not merely a material matter. Even in spiritual aspects, isn’t a parent’s role to become a wise guide when a child is going through some hardship?”
“I suppose so.”
“Therefore, the personality you developed as you grew up, the vocabulary you acquired, the emotions. There is none that is not my responsibility.”
“That is too excessive a responsibility. That is just limitless liability.”
“That is what being a parent originally is.”
Father said. At those words, I closed my mouth.
“Furthermore, a child, you see, may take something from their parents without any cost. The only thing in life without a choice is the birth of life. Having brought you into this place full of pain, shouldn’t one at least do that much?”
“……Is that so. Though that is a bit different from my thoughts.”
“You naturally cannot understand that. It is a conversation only those who have become parents can understand.”
Father chuckled.
“Even children know that instinctively. That is why words of thanks and apologies do not easily come out between parent and child. Because that is a matter between adults.”
“Why? Even between child and parent, one should be grateful for what deserves gratitude, and apologize for what deserves an apology.”
“That is proof that you have become an adult. Starting from being able to easily utter an apology to your parent. Now we have become equal adults. Every parent looks forward to this moment, yet they also feel a tremendous sense of loss. Right now, I feel the same.”
“Earlier you said it was something you hated to hear, and this time is it proof that I have become an adult?”
“When a child becomes a full-grown adult and leaves home, if the child expresses gratitude, the parents did their duty well; if the child expresses apology, the parents failed at their duty. In that respect, it is something a parent hates to hear.”
Father’s words made sense in some aspects, while in others they did not. Especially the part about limitless liability. Because I believed that once one reached an age capable of discerning right from wrong to some extent, from then on there was clearly the child’s responsibility. Yet Father was saying that even that was the parents’ responsibility.
In the midst of that, having cowardly drawn the line saying only parents could know, it was difficult for me to refute him again.
“It is difficult.”
“Did you think playing the parent was easy?”
Father shook his head back and forth. I asked cautiously.
“Do you not feel bitter?”
“About what?”
“Did I not judge hastily and live having virtually severed ties with Father?”
“For a child with nothing inherited, leaving abruptly is the right thing to do. Wouldn’t clinging beside me to provide support have been more of a burden instead?”
Father had not even been waiting for my apology. He was simply taking it as a matter of course.
I had thought that was Father’s own acknowledgment. An acknowledgment that he had done wrong.
However, that was my misconception. Father had simply treated me as an ordinary child, and had not stopped even after I declared the estrangement.
“How can you be so detached?”
“About what?”
Suddenly, I asked.
“Over something that wasn’t even your fault, to have been hated that much by your child.”
If I were merely Muk Hui-yeong who had just barely passed twenty years of age, perhaps it would be different. But I was someone who had lived close to fifty years of age. Meaning I was around the same age as Father right now.
Yet I had never had thoughts similar to Father’s. Even back then, I had continued to be not much different from the twenty-year-old Muk Hui-yeong.
Although it hurt my pride a bit, even though Father and the past-life me were of similar ages, Father looked far more mature.
“First of all, it’s not like I have zero fault. Didn’t I wander around quite a lot saying I would learn martial arts? Though there were no results.”
“That was true.”
“And a parent must gladly accept whatever their child gives. A child is like an internal organ a parent has taken outside their body. Just because I dislike how my heart beats doesn’t mean I can knead and burst it. Naturally, we go together.”
“Is a parent such a noble existence? There are plenty of people who aren’t like that.”
“Even if it’s not a parent, as you live your life, you will feel it. There are things like turning points in life. A child is a turning point in a parent’s life.”
Suddenly, the merchant and the martial artist came to mind. Certainly, in my past life I was expelled early from the Wudang Sect and became a merchant, while in this life I became a martial artist.
“As you experience that turning point, at first you regret and deny your own choice. Wondering what it would have been like if you took another path. Second, you rationalize or affirm it. Believing the path you took wasn’t bad. Do you know what the third and final step is?”
“What is it?”
“Acknowledgment. Whichever path I took, acknowledging that it is purely me. Realizing that there is no need to exert any effort toward it. A child is the same. Naturally, a child does not move according to my wishes. When the child eventually becomes an adult and takes flight, from then on one has no choice but to acknowledge it. That in any case, they are my child.”
Denial, affirmation, and then acknowledgment. In those words, there was something I realized. It aligned with what Hyeon-wol had told me.
Me as a martial artist.
Me as a merchant.
Up until now, I had endlessly agonized and solved problems to find a clue to that. When time permitted, I had read scriptures and books to seek the knowledge of ancient sages.
However, according to Father’s words right now, I had to let go of everything and enter the stage of acknowledgment.
Because I had already gone through the stages of denial and affirmation. I had denied myself as a martial artist, and next I had affirmed it. But now, it was no longer the stage of affirmation and denial.
It was simply acknowledgment. I had a somewhat peculiar aspect. Both the life of a merchant and the life of a martial artist were purely accumulated within me.
The correct answer was to acknowledge both. It was an unexpected realization. I felt my mind turning clear and bright.
At the same time, the tangled thoughts inside my head cleared up, and I felt new inspirations bubbling up relentlessly.
“Ah.”
I let out an exclamation. As I let go of my worries, it felt as though the congestion built up until now dropped away completely. Because stagnant thoughts had occupied the place where new power ought to enter, things had remained stagnant.
Having emptied out thoughts and worries, and having acknowledged them, new inspirations welled up.
This was enlightenment. Not from speaking with martial artists like Master or Cheong-ui, but to attain enlightenment from conversing with Father, who was not even a martial artist. It was truly an astonishing thing.
[ Conditions met. Shop grade increases. ]
[ Certain locked conditions have been unlocked. ]
It was the moment even the shop opened, which I had longed for so dearly.